Theatre Without Actors

Article appeared in Vanity Fair, March, 1927

[Although the article originally appeared in Vanity Fair, I could only find the story on the internet already translated into German and Italian • I have translated the story back into English as best as I can but it obviously lacks the humor and wit of Mr. Howard]

It is a known fact that theater directors are inhibited from the pure and ideal exercise of their profession due to the presence of actors. I will remove this obstacle by eliminating the actor entirely from the drama thus bringing about a new era for the theatre.

THE SAILOR HAT

Scene One

The scene is set in London in the bedroom of Mr. and Mrs. Burlington-Smith • The room is beautifully appointed • It contains two twin beds • A door on the left leads to a bathroom (It must be a bathroom as the tub can be seen through the open door) • There is another door to the right • In the center is an open window • The clock strikes 8 (It must be 8 p.m. because the light is on and it is dark outside) • Two men's suitcases and a golf bag rest on the floor center stage • The portmanteau is marked in large letters with H. Burlington-Smith • The bags are all covered with new labels for an address in Paris (It is surmised that Mr. Burlington-Smith is going on a trip to Paris) • Between the beds on the bedside table are two photographs • One is of an adorable young lady, the other a 45 year old gentleman who is quite bald

When the audience has had time to acquaint themselves with the scene, the curtain falls.

Scene Two

The stage is the same as before but an hour later • The clock strikes 9 • Mr. Burlington-Smith's luggage is gone • A whistle is heard from the street below (Members of the audience who have been to London will know immediately it is the sound of a doorman calling for a taxi • New Yorkers may think from the sound that a robbery has just been committed and a cop is calling for help—a scenario which would be just as entertaining • A few moments later a car horn sounds and a door slams in the distance • Curtain

Scene Three

The stage is the same as before but two hours later • The clock strikes 11 • The curtains have been drawn • The bedspread has been turned down • A nightgown lays on the bed and a pair of ladies slippers rest on the floor • The picture of the bald gentleman is now on the floor and a photograph of a young man in a sailor's cap has taken its place on the bedside table • Curtain

Scene Four

The stage is the same as before • It must be midnight because the clock strikes thirteen (An excusable error on the part of the overworked Director) • The woman's nightgown and slippers are no longer visible • The curtains have been opened roughly, one of which is practically torn down • Rain can be heard on the balcony outside the window • On the floor in front of the window are two empty gin bottles • Wet footprints lead from the balcony to the bed (To the bed of Mr. Smith, as you have probably guessed) • The bed is messed up, the sailor's cap sits on it • The bed of Mrs. Smith has been slept in and the covers have been cast aside as if someone jumped out of bed • The bathroom door is closed • Curtain

Scene Five

The stage is the same as before • The stage is completely dark • The audience can see nothing and, therefore, can draw no conclusions • A watch beeps (Could it be the Director's?) • Curtain

Scene Six

The scene is a train station platform • The engine and a part of a sleeping car are visible (I hope that you have realized that only a few simple props such as a train engine, etc., and not a single actor have been necessary to tell this story) • In the sleeping car is a sign: Continental Express, London-Folkestone • The luggage of Mr. Burlington-Smith stands on the platform next to the train • The wheels of the train begin to turn and steam escapes from the pipe but the train does not move • Again, the sound of the wheels turning on the tracks and steam hissing from the pipe can be heard but the train still does not move • This is repeated several times until the engine finally makes a loud bang (This explosion requires an experienced director and must be handled carefully so that the audience is not hurt) • Curtain

Scene Seven

The stage is the same as before • The train has not moved, but Mr. Smith's luggage no longer on the platform (If necessary, several train engines can be blown up to show that not everything works the way it is supposed to) • Curtain

Scene Eight

Mr. Smith's luggage and a taxi meter are the only two things visible on stage • The meter increases one shilling for every second (This scene is symbolic which suits this type of drama well) • A church bell strikes two • Curtain

Scene Nine

Again the scene is the Smith's bedroom • As in Scene Five, it is dark again • The clock strikes two • Curtain

Scenes Ten, Eleven, Twelve and Thirteen

These scenes consist of rapid repetitions of Scenes Eight and Nine • The scene changes quickly from the meter to the bedroom and back again • These scenes can be repeated as many times as the Director wishes to create a sense of excitement (I have seen this technique used in movies to create what is known as "suspense") • Curtain

Scene Fourteen

The climax will be played out in the bedroom once the audience is sufficiently excited by the preceding scenes

The stage is dark • For a while nothing happens • Then the door to the left opens slowly • Light pours in • Both beds are now occupied (Actors are not necessary—bodies can be simulated by stuffing any material under the covers) • The two sleeping people have their blankets pulled up to their ears (I forgot to specify that the night is freezing cold) • Mr. Smith's luggage then enters the stage (The Director must have very long arms) • A long shadow falls across the two beds and the people sleeping there (The Director must be very tall) • Two shots are heard in rapid succession • Pause • Then a third shot—and the thud of a falling body (The Director falls down) • Curtain

The End

It is clear as to how easy it would be to stage this type of play. Not a single actor is needed—only an energetic director. (And no one will mistake a director for an actor.) What happens in the play is obvious. There is only one thing that needs explaining. The young man with the sailor cap is Mrs. Smith's son from a previous marriage. He is a wild boy of seventeen or eighteen who went to sea and took up drinking and has now returned home unexpectedly to borrow money from his mother. He was told by his mother that his step-father will be traveling.

The audience is missing the small details about the young man with the sailor's hat and so is misled, as is Mr. Smith. This information can be provided in the Program or can be withheld by the Director (depending on his taste) to create a deliciously unexpected surprise for the audience.

In any case I've demonstrated how to produce a drama without actors.

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