The Intimate Diary of An Opening Night

Article appeared in The New Yorker, October 31, 1925

[Spelling and punctuation are Mr. Howard's]

Great Neck. Something a.m. Vaguely conscious. Sounds of birds and trees. Life seems simple.

Probably 10 a.m. Coma ends. Breakfast and newspaper. Observe it is first night of Green Hat.

10.05 a.m. Realise am in it. Not interested in breakfast.

10.06 - 10.45 a.m. Remain inert, owing to total paralysis of all mental and physical functions.

10.45 a.m. With Olympian effort leap from bed. Am informed by various members of household that Green Hat opens tonight. Reply coolly that I have noted fact. Am asked if I am nervous. Refuse to reply.

1.00 p.m. Arrive in New York. Notice billboard announcing opening of Green Hat. Walk by it with complete indifference.

1.10 p.m. Remember luncheon engagement for one o'clock. Unable to remember with whom or where. Walk about quickly.

1.30 p.m. Remember am lunching with Lyman Brown. Still cannot think where. Call him up. He has left to keep luncheon date. Ask secretary where I am meeting him. Secretary laughs loudly and hangs up.

Walk about thinking.

1.45 p.m. Look up suddenly and notice Broadhurst Theatre looking festive. 'Green H...' Hurry on.

2.00 p.m. Observe Coffee House Club on right. Enter. Encounter Frank Crowninshield, Austin Strong, Gilbert Miller, Roland Young, Frank Craven — et al. They mention Green Hat opens tonight—but impersonally. Don't thing they realise I'm in it. Lunch.

3.00 p.m. Remember suddenly that luncheon date with Brown is at Astor. Dash there. Brown not been seen there at all today. Wonder if it was Ritz?

3.15 p.m. - 7 p.m. Entirely unable to account for these hours. Must have indulged in subconscious shopping, as am carrying about six collars from Cruger's.

7 p.m. Fetch up at Lotos Club for dinner. It occurs to me that luncheon date with Lyman Brown was date at Shelton Swimming Pool with Geoffrey Kerr. Call him up. His courteous reply — 'Yes, you poor prune!' — confirms this.

7.05 p.m. On emerging from telephone, eleven members remind me Green Hat opens tonight. Nine are convinced I am nervous. Decide atmosphere wrong at Club. Get hat and leave.

7.15 p.m. Arrive at Elysee Restaurant for nice quiet dinner. Begin to notice clocks. Notice also many beautiful, magnificently gowned women with number of handsome, well-dressed men. George, the maître d'hôtel, whispers that they are all going to The Green Hat.

8.30 p.m. All dressed up. Din of motor cars, horns and whistles, makes thinking difficult. Look through window into Forty-fourth Street and observe largest traffic jam known to civilization. Appears Green Hat is only diversion in town tonight.

8.45 p.m. Bell outside dressing room rings violently, indicating curtain up and slaughter on. Feel very like Daniel. Small dose of Spirits of Ammonia.

8.47 p.m. In the wings. Am so early that words from stage sound entirely unfamiliar, thereby strengthening suspicion that I am in wrong theatre.

8.50 p.m. Fears allayed by inspiring spectacle of fellow players offering one another felicitations.

?? p.m. Time stands still as cue reverberates on eardrum. Wonder dimly just how fast the human heart can beat before it collapses. Dash on stage boldly.

One hundred and eighteen years later. Hand-clapping from vast multitude of people. From various evidences gather Act One is over. Unable to ascertain name of play but there are three more acts.

9.30 p.m. September 15th 1925 (according to Arthur). In dressing room again. Comparative quiet till Arthur discovers complete absence of evening shirt studs, which it appears I promised to bring.

9.40 p.m. Bell goes for second round. Frantic search of building for studs or equivalent. Arthur finally produces wooden laundry studs, which tickle my fancy vastly.

10.10 p.m. End of second round. Fight pretty even so far. Imagine we are holding our own. Wonder if anyone has seen author and if he will make speech.

10.50 p.m. End of third round. Come upon author in dark corner, leaning against wall. From general evidence, judge he will not make speech. He does not.

11.25 p.m. All over — till tomorrow. Members of cast inform each other they are a hit. Friends of members of cast confirm impression. Author gives whole credit to cast, cast whole credit to author.

6.45 a.m. September 16th. Never read notices but must just see if Gordon Ash is well treated. He does deserve it.

7 a.m. He is. Note further that Leslie Howard is also in cast. He is likened to everything from an undertaker to the leaning tower of Pisa.

One Week Later. Business has been promising. 23,000 dollars for seven performances. Read Sunday notices. Many things said — the shortest by George Jean Nathan. 'The Green Hat,' he opines, 'is flapdoodle!' I wonder what that means?

Trivial Fond Records, pgs. 50-53

"The Intimate Diary of An Opening Night" The New Yorker, October 31, 1925


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